Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
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This meal prepping shit easy
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”