Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
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ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
saving face 👀
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
damn he’s good
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom