Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
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Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.