Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
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We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant