HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
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Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
My blood type is coffee.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.