haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
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Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down