My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
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the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔