ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
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Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.