2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
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My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Every haunted house movie:
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Not today. 😅
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat