My mother’s maiden name is Password.
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Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
accurate
Life hack
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
LMAO.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.