if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
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ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
mom had nothing to worry about