If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
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friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Bros before Ohioes
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?