[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
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If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.