You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
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[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K