Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
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I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.