Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
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Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this