“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
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Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
The three genders
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist