I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
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Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty