Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
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She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
My first son he is wonderful
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*