7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
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Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.