When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
You Might Also Like
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.