Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
You Might Also Like
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.