Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
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the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team