Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
You Might Also Like
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”