sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
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Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.