I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
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[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.