The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
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I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”