They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
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A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart