Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
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Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?