“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
You Might Also Like
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.