Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
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Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…