My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
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Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.