I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
You Might Also Like
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
never compromise your values
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho