Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
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“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!