Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
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Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.