Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
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10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Reporter: *ports again*
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”