My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
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Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment