The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
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“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.