Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
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accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.