I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
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(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles