[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
You Might Also Like
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.