Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
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Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.