(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
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Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
time machine? you mean a clock?
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.