best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
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Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
The real reason evolution started..😂
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?