FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
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[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Bed should get ready for ME
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Best seat on the street 😍
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Thursday Thought.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
this has to be peak English
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.