Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
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i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
reminder
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes