*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
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Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes