ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
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Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃