Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
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I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
#StillHurts
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*