Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
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[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move